Dear DOGE

We're launching Dear Doge, an occasional satire column that uses real-time headlines to craft sharp political commentary with humor and wit. A light take on serious issues, one week at a time.

Following Elon Musk’s now-legendary email about “real work,” the Trump Administration has released a recap of last week’s accomplishments from its key appointees. According to insiders, “These people have been working harder than a Russian bot farm during election season.”

Kash Patel – FBI Director

• Used FBI badge to cut the line at Chick-fil-A. Efficiency!

• Called current FBI leadership  “deep state losers” while playing Call of Duty on Twitch.

• Launched an initiative to replace the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms and Explosives with one really tough-looking Guy Fieri.

• Reassigned counterterrorism agents to monitor woke college students, because we all know where the real threats come from.

• Told my agents to ignore subpoenas from the DOJ unless they have a golden “TRUMP APPROVED” seal.

Tulsi Gabbard – Director of National Intelligence

• Spent the week subtly reminding everyone she’s “not a Republican, but…”

• Released a press statement condemning “regime change wars,” then immediately joined a meeting discussing regime change.

• Wrote a strongly worded letter to Ukraine suggesting they “just try talking it out” with Putin.

• Ordered all Pentagon staff to read Dostoevsky so they can “understand Russia’s perspective” before making any reckless pro-Western decisions.

• Issued memo stating that Taiwan should start negotiating with Beijing directly, since we “can’t afford to intervene in every conflict.”

Stephen Miller, White House Deputy Chief of Staff

• Had a productive lunch with corporate prison executives to strategize on “streamlining” child detention centers (hint: fewer beds, more barbed wire).

• Brainstormed new ways to make the Statue of Liberty cry.

• Started drafting an executive order banning all vowels from Spanish words spoken within U.S. borders.

• Suspended all refugee admissions indefinitely because, “if you’re fleeing a war, maybe you should’ve fought harder.”

• Replaced all American flags in my office with portraits of myself sneering at an immigrant child.

Peter Navarro, Economic Adviser

• Proposed replacing the Federal Reserve with a Magic 8-Ball.

• Finalized a plan to slash Social Security benefits for “fiscally irresponsible” retirees who lived past 75.

• Wrote a 400-page memo explaining why tariffs solve literally everything (no one read it, but still).

• Launched a task force to determine whether the working class really needs weekends.

• Avoided prison for yet another week.

Pete Hegseth, Secretary of Defense

• Shut down three veteran health clinics because “real warriors don’t need doctors.”

• Redirected suicide prevention funding into a Super Bowl ad reminding veterans to “man up.”

• Banned vegan meals from all military bases—soldiers eat meat, or they don’t eat at all.

• Launched “Operation Toughen Up,” replacing therapy sessions with mandatory cage fights.

• Proposed a new military dress code: camouflage suits paired with power ties to “intimidate both enemies and allies.”

Robert Kennedy Jr., Secretary of Health and Human Services

• Sent congratulatory email to Governor Greg Abbott on recent measles outbreak in Texas.

• Appointed a flat-earther to lead the CDC, because we need “new perspectives.”

• Gave a speech about how Wi-Fi is secretly causing brain damage; immediately received six new conspiracy podcast invitations.

• Held a press conference standing next to Joe Rogan, Alex Jones, and a chiropractor named “Dr. Chad” to discuss the real science.

• Pushed to replace all school nurses with essential oils consultants

Marco Rubio, Secretary of State

• Introduced the “Loyalty Tariff” policy, which imposes automatic economic penalties on any nation that does not start construction of a Trump Hotel in its capital city.

• Released a strongly worded statement condemning China, which was promptly ignored.

• Hosted a diplomatic summit where I spent 30% of my time complimenting Trump’s golf swing and 70% hiding from serious questions.

• Proposed banning foreign aid to any country that fails to say “Merry Christmas” in their official language.

• Defended democracy by tweeting a Bible verse.

At press time, Elon Musk was seen drafting his next email, reportedly titled, “Work 27 Hours a Day or You’re a Communist.”

This satirical post was co-developed, refined, and curated by anonymous contributors and ChatGPT. No rights reserved.